Dear Cheese

Dear Cheese,

It’s been almost a month and I miss you dearly. Much more than I thought I would. I don’t think I can live without you.

From the time of writing this, almost 400,000 people signed up to take part in Veganuary, a challenge that has gained much traction over the past few years to eat vegan for the month of January. I love vegan food. I really enjoy vegan food. But I have struggled being vegan.

I first gave up meat and started my pescatarian journey more than ten years ago. I gave up pork first (my favourite of all meats) after one untimely visit to a French pig market. It was not the magical pig funfair the child-me thought it would be. It was a couple of years later that I decided to give up all meat – a whim my parents thought would last all of two weeks. After some health issues, I reluctantly agreed to eat fish – especially whilst I was still growing and developing from childhood to teendom. I never really enjoyed fish that much. I ate the occasional cod or salmon (I gave up tuna after two bouts of food poisoning), but I realised I never ate a lot of it anyway, and so once I knew the devastating consequences of over-farming, and realising my use of a reusable straw didn’t make a huge contribution to saving marine wildlife, I also gave up eating fish.

Eating a vegetarian diet for me was easy. As I grew older and learnt to appreciate food, and enjoy food, rather than to eat just for sustenance; I flourished. Eating is my favourite hobby. Ask anyone who knows me – I love travelling, trying new foods, trying to cook new recipes, following food porn on social media – if its food related, I consume it.

Another hobby of mine for the past few years, is trying to be more eco-conscious; I am trying to make changes to my everyday life, to help even if it’s in a small way. I use reusable make up removers, cruelty free and vegan shampoo bars; I’ve even washed my hair in vinegar. I still make slip ups – sometimes a wax wrap isn’t the same as cling film – but overall, I think I’m doing okay. I do still carry my reusable straw with me everywhere though.

Cheese is my biggest vice. My mum used cheese to replace cuts of meat in most of her cooking for me growing up. I’m not kidding. Whilst the family tucked into a roast dinner with all the trimmings, there I sat with all the trimmings and some halloumi. I just love the way the saltiness of cheese makes my taste buds tingle at even the mere thought of it. With only a few days until Veganuary is over, writing this article has suddenly become very hard.

I thought switching to a vegan diet would be easy; I already choose a lot of vegan dishes when I go out to eat and I really enjoy vegan alternatives – but suddenly taking away the food products which I have relied on for the past ten years of my life, I realised I’d entered Veganuary ill-prepared for the task a head of me.

As I’ve said: it’s been a challenge. Some swaps were easy and unnoticeable – butter for sunflower spread, oat milk in my coffee, and foods I hadn’t realised were accidentally vegan anyway, like bourbon biscuits, some doughnuts and Parma Violets. Others have been much harder. I haven’t had a good cup of tea since I started the challenge (almond and oat milk are much too sweet for me, and rice milk has almost a powdery after taste). I decided for me, tea wasn’t worth it. I switched to herbal teas instead – but by all that is holy I do miss dunking my biscuits. Cheese, obviously, has been a struggle. I’ll leave it at that. The pain is too strong. I miss going into a shop and buying a snack which I don’t have to read the label and Google the ingredients I don’t understand. I miss cooking. I am very much an indulgent home cook; carbs and cream and cheese and rich flavours. All which I’m having to swap out or try alternatives – many of them not working. Its discouraging. I’ve lost that spark of joy cooking brings me in the evenings.

I’ve been told I must focus on new foods, rather than replacements. I understand that and it helped me tackle some of the challenges; but for me there is still something missing.

I was also told I had to mourn the loss of cheese in my life. I’m not ready to take it that far yet.

The biggest lessons I have learned from this experience, is more about the small subtle changes I can make, rather than completely over-hauling my life. Once Veganuary is over, I will stick to the vegan breakfasts I have really enjoyed over the past month. Stick to having oat milk in my coffee. Stick even to some of the snacks which have surprised me that I can enjoy. Stick to eating more fruit and vegetables. There are dishes which I cook that are mostly vegan – with the accompaniment of cheese on top – and I’m not ready to take that away (just yet) or punish myself for it. I will always stand by the reasoning that food is to be enjoyed.

The point I am trying to make is that it is okay to be an imperfect vegan. It isn’t a lifestyle choice for everyone, but it is something that is becoming easier everyday to introduce to your diet. Eating vegan once a week still has a huge impact – and something that is reasonable to do.

As many people have said before me, when it comes to tackling climate change – however you want to do it – is about millions of people trying, and doing it imperfectly, rather than a few being the perfect poster people. Everyone can try. Everyone can help. How you choose to do so is personal choice – but the important thing is that you try.

Cheese, we will be reunited soon. But, I also think we need to see other people.